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Taking the Best and Booting the Rest
The Iranian culture is rich in history, replete with beautiful customs,
stories, and arts and a glorious heritage our children may all be proud of.
The American culture, while rather young in comparison, offers a diversity,
joi de vive and light of hope which energizes and challenges its citizens in
the spirit of invention.
We, as parents, have the unique opportunity of picking and choosing the best
from both cultures and incorporating them into the traditions of our own
familiy units. We can reap from the macro-societies which are Iran and America
and utilize these bountiful harvests in the micro sphere of our own homes.
We have found the most successful Iranian-American families, are those who have
blended the attentions and generosity of the Iranian family with the
independence and perseverence of the American family.
I have found the husbands,wives and children of Iranian -American families who
have met the challenge of holding both languages (Farsi and English) dear,
able to cross a bridge which oft times seems uncrossable without the language
links to culture.
I have found an acceptance of families by both sides to be of paramount
importance in establishing the family as a whole. No one has to agree or
relinquish all of their own beliefs to satisfy another. All of us MUST
compromise
and respect the beliefs of each other to be whole and healthy. If there are
individuals among the group who make a harmonious family life impossible, they
must be worked around. What is important is to always accept the spirit of
compromise and look for the good.
Please give us your thoughts and experiences which have enabled or prevented
you from being a whole and healthy Iranian-American family. Maybe, we can
learn from each others victories and defeats.
Write us at
shoharkhaleh@farsinet.com
(Please let us know if you don't want your email or name to be included in your posting.)
I need help understanding my Iranian Wife
Dear sirs,
I have been in love with an iranian woman now for two years but I still can't seem to understand her. I'm an Irish man and I have travelled intensively over the world and have been in contact with many other cultures before but for some reason I just can't seem to get through to my wife. Are Iranians always so closed? Why can't she show her feelings? I would like to learn more about her culture but I can't find any relevant sites. Maybe you can help me.
Yours sincerely, Gary
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Looking for English People Living in Mashhad
I am English moved to Mashad 2 yrs ago I would love to hear from any other
English people residing here in Mashad. Best wishes - J.
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Need insight into the issues or influences that an Iranian woman in the US may be feeling or dealing with
Name = Brandon
Email = brandonk128@hotmail.com
Country & City = United States, San Diego
Category of Submission = Issues
HI. I'm a 28 year old male living in San Diego, and I have a 25 year old Iranian fiancee living in Tehran that I'm trying to bring to the US.
Unfortunately, it appears she wasn't selected for the 2005 diversity lottery, so we are considering using the K-1 fiancee visa to have her immigrate. I was hoping there is someone with some insight into this procedure, and in particular the difficulties that may arise from her being a young Iranian woman.
Thank You.
Brandon
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Need insight into the issues or influences that an Iranian woman in the US may be feeling or dealing with
Dear Shohar-Khaleh,
I have been dating an Iranian woman for 2 1/2 years. Unfortunately, we are
currently not together, although I am trying to reconcile things. Through
all of my time with her, though, she has always been very vocal about her
preference for very American looking men. I am as about as "apple pie"
looking as they come, so that is a good thing, I guess. But, because of her
preference, as well as her desire to almost remove herself from her Persian
background (note: she came to US when she was 7 years old), I never spent a
lot of time really learning about her culture and how that may have impacted
her experience here in the US. I also think that my lack of knowledge in
this area may have, at times, permitted me to say or do things that were
offensive (although they were not intended to be offensive in the least).
Is there a book or article(s) that you could recommend that would give me
insight into the issues or influences that an Iranian woman in the US may be
feeling or dealing with, or simply a text that would educate me about a
young woman's past in Iran so I can better appreciate what she may be
feeling and going through.
Thank you very much,
Curry
Hello Curry,
Unfortunately I do not know of any such book although I could have used one
myself at times.
I am sure your girl friend is greatly influenced by her family. She might
have become very American but how about her mother, her family? I have
found that Iranian women are very much influenced and at times controlled
by their parents - perhaps more than boys. It is very important for them to
be fully accepted by their family. If you get a chance to patch things up,
spend more time with her family to get to know them. My wife, came to us
after her college and was alone here when I met her so I may not be able to
related to your experience. I will forward your email to others married to
Iranian women on my list and hopefully they would be able to help more. Best
of luck, Tony
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Living together as a family??
I have concerns and deep misunderstandings as to the normal behavior of the
Persian extended family. I am recently married to an American, whose mother
is Persian and father is American. We now have my husband's brother living
with us in our home. I find this offensive, disrespectful, and imposing on
my marriage and new family. I need some information as to what is the
normal Persian family behavior? Does everybody live to together under one
roof? Is it normal for someone in the family to live with siblings etc? I
am lost and trying to understand where my husband's beliefs are coming from.
I would not have gotten married to him, had I know these deep rooted
connections and dedications to immediate family first...over one's own wife.
Please help me.
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My Girl Friend's Parents Don't Know about Our Relationship
Please can you help i have an Iranian girlfriend, i live in the uk,
we have been seeing each other for 8 months but her parents do not know,
i am worried about this, she tells me she cannot tell her parents as yet,
they seem to be very strict, do you have any advice as to what i can do,
is this bad..?
Please help .. Tell me what I should do? Should I be concerned?
Thank you
- Barry
Dundee, Scotland, UK
Name = ann macrae
Years Married = 1
Number of Children = 0
Country & City = australia,
Category of Submission = Issues
Add Email to mailing list = No
Include Email to posting = YES
Comments = Dear Barry,
I can understand your situation, I was with my iranian boyfriend for about
the same time before he told them about me. I could not understand why he
would not tell them about me, and felt quite hurt. I think that it is
important to understand that in some Iranian families that the idea of a
boyfriend/girlfriend type relationship is quite alien to them. If you are
having a relationship, then the next step is marriage! I know that when I
finally met my boyfriend's parents they kept referring to me as their
daughter in law! Give your girlfriend time and realise that by admitting
your relationship, your girlfriend may have lots and lots of pressure
to get married and quickly. I dont know if this is the case in your
particular situation, I can only talk about my own experiences.
Try to be understanding, its not that your not good enough, but
maybe the pressure will just be too great for your girlfriend if
you met her parents.
From a fellow Scot all the way from Australia
good luck! Barry,
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Need more information on Iranian Women
Hello,
I'm dating a woman who grew up in Iran and am wondering where to find
out more online info on Iranian women--what to expect in the way of
personality characteristics, expectations, behavior, norms, etc. Thx! - Craig
Craig,
Thank you for visiting ShoharKhaleh and thank you for sharing your concerns.
As you have noticed by now, dating an Iranian Woman is different and requires
some special understanings. Of course, each woman is different and whether she
was raised in US or in Iran and how long she has been living in US and whether she still
lives with her family and how close she is with her mother makes a lot of difference.
I guess the best way to know her (and not generally all Iranian Women) is
to take the time and be patient with her and open up to her and listen.
From my own experience, it takes them longer to develop the trust to open up but it is worth it.
Meanwhile you can visit some of the online resources listed in PersianWeb;
http://www.persianweb.net/women.html
Good luck and keep us informed.
- ShoharKhaleh2
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I have some questions about the religion, Culture and Language!!
Dear Shohar-Khaleh!
Thank you very much for informing me about your new internet page! My name
is Walter and I am Austrian living near Vienna. Since more than one year I
am together with Shabnam, a very lovely, pretty, nice and intelligent
Iranian girl. We are planning to marry next year after the finish of our
studies and are looking forward to our live together. We are sure to
overcome all problems and that our love will be strong enough. We are very
happy that our families like each other as well (Well, they have only met
one time when her parents visited Austria). But we still do have some
questions but they will be answered, maybe in your new internet page.
First I would be interested in some aspects of religion: We both do not want
to change our religions (Catholic and Muslim) and respect the religion of
our partner. But her parents would not allow her to marry a Christian (it
can be dangerous for her with a Christian husband if she visits Iran again).
My parents could never understand if I would change my religion without
beeing really convinced (which would also be a problem for me). So I never
could even tell them about this. At the moment the situation is following: I
did tell her parents that I will change my religion "just on the paper". I
did tell my parents that of course I never will change my religion. How do
similar couples deal with this problem? I fear I will have no other chance
than to change my religion "just on the paper" and to stay Catholic. I can
tell you, this is far away from an ideal solution and I really feel angry
about the Muslim law which doesn't allow Christian men to marry Muslim woman
but does allow Muslim men to marry Christian women.
The second point is "language and children": My girl speaks very well German
(and three other foreign languages) so we never speak Farsi and after more
than one year I know only a few words. I learn languages quite easy and
speak already four, but I fear Farsi I will never learn good enough to
understand our children when they start to speak. Of course they will also
learn German, but..... Does anybody have experiences with such a situation?
For this mail I think it is enough.....
I hope your internet page will develop fast!
Greetings from Vienna!
Walter
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Very pleased to know this initiative is off the ground!
Salam --
Very pleased to know this initiative is off the ground! I live in
Tallahassee, FL with my (Iranian) wife and two children -- Naseemeh (age
12) and Naveed (age 9). Happily, my wife's mother lives with us as well,
which helps give the kids a linguistic immersion in Farsi, as well as
providing a wonderful grandmotherly/ mamanjunesh presence. We are trying to
raise them bi-culturally, including major efforts on my wife's part to keep
them working on their reading and writing skills in Farsi. We hope to be
able to spend some time back in Iran in the next two or three years with
members of the family who are still there, insh'Allah.
Peter
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