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Jafang: Cool, Interesting and Funny Quotes/Yaps/Talks/News ...
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Jafang: Cool, Interesting and Funny Quotes/Yaps/Talks/News ...
If Microsoft Made CarsSometimes nothing is as funny as the truth.
From Car and Driver, Feb. 1996
10 Things That Would Be Different If Microsoft Started Building Cars:
Believe It or NotKentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.
South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be arrested immediately.
Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot, he fled--leaving his wallet on the counter.
England: A German "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, shows up at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the customs official realizes that the tourist does not know what a "handicap" is. The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate his swing, which he does--backward! A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.
Germany: Oil of Olay no longer turning the trick for her, a woman decided that she would bathe in the milk of a camel (a modern-day Cleopatra). So she stole a camel from the local zoo (where *else* can you find a camel when you need one?) and transported it back to her house--where she realized that the camel's name was "Otto."
Arizona: A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights for Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year- old woman, who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2 years in jail.
Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a check--a *forged* check. He got 10 years.
(Location Unknown): A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun, announced a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his head--and realized that he'd forgotten to cut eyeholes in the mask.
(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole--are you ready for this?--the bank's video camera. While it was recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera.)
(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank's basement through a street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in the process. He then realized that (1) he could not get to the money from where he was,(2) he could not climb back out the window through which he had entered, and (3) he was bleeding pretty badly. So he located a phone and dialed "911" for help ...
Virginia: Two men in a pickup truck went to a new-home site to steal a refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a refrigerator from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup. The truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so these brain surgeons decided that the refrigerator was too heavy. Banging up *more* walls, floors, etc., they put the refrigerator BACK into the house, and returned to the pickup truck, only to realize that they locked the keys in the truck--so they abandoned it.
(Location Unknown): A man walked into a Circle-K (a convenience store similar to a 7-11), put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled-- leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.
Famous and Interesting Quotations
Twelve Bugs of Christmas
At the first bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
See if they can do it again.
At the second bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Ask them how they did it ... and
See if they can do it again.
At the third bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it ... and
See if they can do it again.
At the fourth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it ... and
See if they can do it again.
At the fifth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
*** ASK FOR A DUMP ***
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it ... and
See if they can do it again.
At the sixth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Reinstall the software
*** ASK FOR A DUMP ***
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it ... and
See if they can do it again.
At the seventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
*** ASK FOR A DUMP ***
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it ... and
See if they can do it again.
At the eighth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
*** ASK FOR A DUMP ***
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it ... and
See if they can do it again.
At the ninth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
*** ASK FOR A DUMP ***
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it ... and
See if they can do it again.
At the tenth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
*** ASK FOR A DUMP ***
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it ... and
See if they can do it again.
At the eleventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Say it's not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
*** ASK FOR A DUMP ***
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it ... and
See if they can do it again.
At the twelfth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Tell them it's a feature
Say it's not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
*** ASK FOR A DUMP ***
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it ... and
See if they can do it again.
sing to the tune of the Beverly Hillbillys"Time of our life.... " ----------------------- (sing to the tune of the Beverly Hillbillys) Come and listen to a story about a man named Jed, A poor College Kid barely kept his family fed, But then one day he was talking to a recruiter, He said "They'll pay ya big bucks if ya work on a computer", VAX that is ... CRT's ... Workstations; Well the first thing ya know ol' Jed's an Engineer, The kinfolk said "Jed move away from here", They said "Arizona is the place ya oughta be", So he bought some donuts and moved to Ahwatukee, Motorola that is ... dry heat ... no amusement parks; On his first day at work they stuck him in a cube, Fed him more donuts and sat him at a tube, They said "Your project's late but we know just what to do, Instead of 40 hours, we'll work you fifty-two!" OT that is ... Unpaid ... Mandatory The weeks rolled by and things were looking bad, Some schedules slipped and some managers were mad, They called another meeting and decided on a fix, They answer was simple, "We'll work him sixty-six" Tired that is ... Stressed out ... No social life Months turned into years and his hair was turning gray, Jed worked hard while his life slipped away, Waiting to retire when he turned sixty-four, Instead he got a call and they escorted him out the door, Laid-off that is ... Debriefed ... Unemployed ...
Do-It-Yourself Country Western Songs
Whether or not you listen to country,
you can pick out the truth in this humor.
Do-it-yourself CW songs
I met her __________ _____; I can still recall _________
(1) (2) (3)
1. 2. 3.
on the highway in September that purple dress
in Sheboygan at McDonald's that little hat
outside Fresno ridin' shotgun that burlap bra
at a truck stop wrestlin' gators those training pants
on probation all hunched over the stolen goods
in a jail cell poppin' uppers that plastic nose
in a nightmare sort of pregnant the Stassin pin
incognito with joggers the neon sign
in the Stone Age stoned on oatmeal that creepy smile
in a treehouse with Merv Griffin the hearing aid
in a gay bar dead all over the boxer shorts
she wore; She was ______ _____,
(4) (5)
4. 5
sobbin' at the toll booth in the twilight
drinkin' Dr. Pepper but I loved her
weighted down with Twinkies by the off-ramp
breakin' out with acne near Poughkeepsie
crawlin' through the prairie with her cobra
smellin' kind of funny when she shot me
crashin' through the guardrail on her elbows
chewin' on a hangnail with Led-Zeppelin
talkin' in Swahili with Miss Piggy
drownin' in the quicksand with a wetback
slurpin' up linguini in her muu-muu
and I knew _______;
(6)
6.
no guy would ever love her more
that she would be an easy score
she'd bought her dentures in a store
that she would be a crashing bore
I'd never rate her more than "4"
they'd hate her guts in Baltimore
it was a raven, nothing more
we really lost the last World War
I'd have to scrape her off the floor
what strong deodorants were for
that she was rotten to the core
that I would upchuck on the floor
_______ I'd ______ forever;
(7) (8)
7. 8.
I knew deep down warp her mind
She asked me if swear off booze
I told her shrink change my sex
The judge declared punch her out
I promised her stay with her
Her rabbi said salivate
The blood test showed play "Go Fish"
My hamster thought pick my nose
A Klingon said hate her dog
The painters knew stay a dwarf
I shrieked in pain have my rash
My Pooh Bear said live off her
She said to me ____; But who'd have thought she'd _____
(9) (10)
9. 10.
our love would never die run off
there was no other guy wind up
man wasn't meant to fly boogie
that Nixon didn't lie yodel
her basset hound was shy sky dive
that Rolaids made her high turn green
she'd have a swiss on rye freak out
she loved my one blue eye blast off
her brother's name was Hy make it
she liked "Spy vs. Spy" black out
that birthdays made her cry bobsled
she couldn't stand my tie grovel
___________; _________ goodbye.
(11) (12)
11. 12.
with my best friend You'd think at least that she'd have said
in my Edsel I never had the chance to say
on a surfboard She told her dumb friend Grace to say
on "The Gong Show" I now can kiss my credit cards
with her dentist I guess I was too smashed to say
on her "Workmate" I watched her melt away and sobbed
with a robot She fell beneath the wheels and cried
with no clothes on She sent a hired thug to say
at her health club She freaked out on the lawn and screamed
in her Maytag I pushed her off the bridge and waved
with her guru But that's the way that pygmies say
while in labor She sealed me in the vault and smirked.
Second Annual Highly UnScientific Dilbert SurveyThis year many companies performed surveys of employee satisfaction. Based on what I've heard, it seems that the questions on these surveys don't really get to the heart of real job dissatisfaction. That shortcoming is addressed here in the Second Annual Highly Unscientific Dilbert Survey.
Please select **one** answer and send it by December 15th to: DilbertSurvey@unitedmedia.com
Question: If you had a chance to hit your boss in the back of the head with one of the following objects, with no risk of getting caught, which would you choose?
(Note: This is strictly academic. I do NOT encourage the destruction of perfectly good burritos.)
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