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Sometimes nothing is as funny as the truth.
From Car and Driver, Feb. 1996
10 Things That Would Be Different If Microsoft Started Building Cars:
Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.
South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be arrested immediately.
Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot, he fled--leaving his wallet on the counter.
England: A German "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, shows up at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the customs official realizes that the tourist does not know what a "handicap" is. The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate his swing, which he does--backward! A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.
Germany: Oil of Olay no longer turning the trick for her, a woman decided that she would bathe in the milk of a camel (a modern-day Cleopatra). So she stole a camel from the local zoo (where *else* can you find a camel when you need one?) and transported it back to her house--where she realized that the camel's name was "Otto."
Arizona: A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights for Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year- old woman, who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2 years in jail.
Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a check--a *forged* check. He got 10 years.
(Location Unknown): A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun, announced a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his head--and realized that he'd forgotten to cut eyeholes in the mask.
(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole--are you ready for this?--the bank's video camera. While it was recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera.)
(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank's basement through a street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in the process. He then realized that (1) he could not get to the money from where he was,(2) he could not climb back out the window through which he had entered, and (3) he was bleeding pretty badly. So he located a phone and dialed "911" for help ...
Virginia: Two men in a pickup truck went to a new-home site to steal a refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a refrigerator from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup. The truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so these brain surgeons decided that the refrigerator was too heavy. Banging up *more* walls, floors, etc., they put the refrigerator BACK into the house, and returned to the pickup truck, only to realize that they locked the keys in the truck--so they abandoned it.
(Location Unknown): A man walked into a Circle-K (a convenience store similar to a 7-11), put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled-- leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.
At the first bug of Christmas, my manager said to me See if they can do it again. At the second bug of Christmas, my manager said to me Ask them how they did it ... and See if they can do it again. At the third bug of Christmas, my manager said to me Try to reproduce it Ask them how they did it ... and See if they can do it again. At the fourth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me Run with the debugger Try to reproduce it Ask them how they did it ... and See if they can do it again. At the fifth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me *** ASK FOR A DUMP *** Run with the debugger Try to reproduce it Ask them how they did it ... and See if they can do it again. At the sixth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me Reinstall the software *** ASK FOR A DUMP *** Run with the debugger Try to reproduce it Ask them how they did it ... and See if they can do it again. At the seventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me Say they need an upgrade Reinstall the software *** ASK FOR A DUMP *** Run with the debugger Try to reproduce it Ask them how they did it ... and See if they can do it again. At the eighth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me Find a way around it Say they need an upgrade Reinstall the software *** ASK FOR A DUMP *** Run with the debugger Try to reproduce it Ask them how they did it ... and See if they can do it again. At the ninth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me Blame it on the hardware Find a way around it Say they need an upgrade Reinstall the software *** ASK FOR A DUMP *** Run with the debugger Try to reproduce it Ask them how they did it ... and See if they can do it again. At the tenth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me Change the documentation Blame it on the hardware Find a way around it Say they need an upgrade Reinstall the software *** ASK FOR A DUMP *** Run with the debugger Try to reproduce it Ask them how they did it ... and See if they can do it again. At the eleventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me Say it's not supported Change the documentation Blame it on the hardware Find a way around it Say they need an upgrade Reinstall the software *** ASK FOR A DUMP *** Run with the debugger Try to reproduce it Ask them how they did it ... and See if they can do it again. At the twelfth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me Tell them it's a feature Say it's not supported Change the documentation Blame it on the hardware Find a way around it Say they need an upgrade Reinstall the software *** ASK FOR A DUMP *** Run with the debugger Try to reproduce it Ask them how they did it ... and See if they can do it again.
"Time of our life.... " ----------------------- (sing to the tune of the Beverly Hillbillys) Come and listen to a story about a man named Jed, A poor College Kid barely kept his family fed, But then one day he was talking to a recruiter, He said "They'll pay ya big bucks if ya work on a computer", VAX that is ... CRT's ... Workstations; Well the first thing ya know ol' Jed's an Engineer, The kinfolk said "Jed move away from here", They said "Arizona is the place ya oughta be", So he bought some donuts and moved to Ahwatukee, Motorola that is ... dry heat ... no amusement parks; On his first day at work they stuck him in a cube, Fed him more donuts and sat him at a tube, They said "Your project's late but we know just what to do, Instead of 40 hours, we'll work you fifty-two!" OT that is ... Unpaid ... Mandatory The weeks rolled by and things were looking bad, Some schedules slipped and some managers were mad, They called another meeting and decided on a fix, They answer was simple, "We'll work him sixty-six" Tired that is ... Stressed out ... No social life Months turned into years and his hair was turning gray, Jed worked hard while his life slipped away, Waiting to retire when he turned sixty-four, Instead he got a call and they escorted him out the door, Laid-off that is ... Debriefed ... Unemployed ...
Whether or not you listen to country, you can pick out the truth in this humor. Do-it-yourself CW songs I met her __________ _____; I can still recall _________ (1) (2) (3) 1. 2. 3. on the highway in September that purple dress in Sheboygan at McDonald's that little hat outside Fresno ridin' shotgun that burlap bra at a truck stop wrestlin' gators those training pants on probation all hunched over the stolen goods in a jail cell poppin' uppers that plastic nose in a nightmare sort of pregnant the Stassin pin incognito with joggers the neon sign in the Stone Age stoned on oatmeal that creepy smile in a treehouse with Merv Griffin the hearing aid in a gay bar dead all over the boxer shorts she wore; She was ______ _____, (4) (5) 4. 5 sobbin' at the toll booth in the twilight drinkin' Dr. Pepper but I loved her weighted down with Twinkies by the off-ramp breakin' out with acne near Poughkeepsie crawlin' through the prairie with her cobra smellin' kind of funny when she shot me crashin' through the guardrail on her elbows chewin' on a hangnail with Led-Zeppelin talkin' in Swahili with Miss Piggy drownin' in the quicksand with a wetback slurpin' up linguini in her muu-muu and I knew _______; (6) 6. no guy would ever love her more that she would be an easy score she'd bought her dentures in a store that she would be a crashing bore I'd never rate her more than "4" they'd hate her guts in Baltimore it was a raven, nothing more we really lost the last World War I'd have to scrape her off the floor what strong deodorants were for that she was rotten to the core that I would upchuck on the floor _______ I'd ______ forever; (7) (8) 7. 8. I knew deep down warp her mind She asked me if swear off booze I told her shrink change my sex The judge declared punch her out I promised her stay with her Her rabbi said salivate The blood test showed play "Go Fish" My hamster thought pick my nose A Klingon said hate her dog The painters knew stay a dwarf I shrieked in pain have my rash My Pooh Bear said live off her She said to me ____; But who'd have thought she'd _____ (9) (10) 9. 10. our love would never die run off there was no other guy wind up man wasn't meant to fly boogie that Nixon didn't lie yodel her basset hound was shy sky dive that Rolaids made her high turn green she'd have a swiss on rye freak out she loved my one blue eye blast off her brother's name was Hy make it she liked "Spy vs. Spy" black out that birthdays made her cry bobsled she couldn't stand my tie grovel ___________; _________ goodbye. (11) (12) 11. 12. with my best friend You'd think at least that she'd have said in my Edsel I never had the chance to say on a surfboard She told her dumb friend Grace to say on "The Gong Show" I now can kiss my credit cards with her dentist I guess I was too smashed to say on her "Workmate" I watched her melt away and sobbed with a robot She fell beneath the wheels and cried with no clothes on She sent a hired thug to say at her health club She freaked out on the lawn and screamed in her Maytag I pushed her off the bridge and waved with her guru But that's the way that pygmies say while in labor She sealed me in the vault and smirked.
This year many companies performed surveys of employee satisfaction. Based on what I've heard, it seems that the questions on these surveys don't really get to the heart of real job dissatisfaction. That shortcoming is addressed here in the Second Annual Highly Unscientific Dilbert Survey.
Please select **one** answer and send it by December 15th to: DilbertSurvey@unitedmedia.com
Question: If you had a chance to hit your boss in the back of the head with one of the following objects, with no risk of getting caught, which would you choose?
(Note: This is strictly academic. I do NOT encourage the destruction of perfectly good burritos.)
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