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• Contributors to this page: Sally Kanner (The Humor Source - San Diego, California, US), Steve Shaheen & Aram Azadpour (Austin, Texas, US), Gechen Wang (HongKong, Discovery Bay), Sere Bauer (Xpunk - Minneapolis, Minnesota, USA), Nancy Matthews (Da Teach - Leander, Texas, US), Matthew L. Shuchman, Rodd Feingold

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Top Ten Specs For The New Gates Child

Just a little online humor as taken from the weekly dispatch of c/net..... pretty good site if you're interested.... www.cnet.com

A hearty congratulations to Microsoft Chair Bill Gates on the recent addition to his nuclear family. Last Friday, Bill's wife, Melinda French Gates, gave birth to 8-pound, 6-ounce Jennifer Gates at Overlake Hospital in Bellevue, Washington. Mother and daughter were both reported to be doing well.

Of course, a lot of planning goes into a new child--as evidenced by this scrap of paper faxed to us by an anonymous medical technician at Overlake Hospital:

Top ten specs for the new Gates child:

10. Two hours between recharges
9. Infinite capacity removable storage
8. EnergyStar shutdown (nonprogrammable)
7. SCSI port
6. Multiple Registry entries
5. Compact laptop design
4. Plug and Play accessories
3. Small footprint
2. Software-only audio controls
1. Bidirectional cereal port

Top Ten Reasons Why Web is Better than TV

10. On TV, there are only 53 channels with nothing worth
watching. The Web has *thousands.*
9. On the Web, you're always master of the remote control.
8. What would you rather do: configure a browser or program a VCR?
7. "We will be right back after these important messages."
6. The Web has no laugh track.
5. Modem dial tones are less grating than the theme song to "Friends."
4. Ever heard of the Jerry Lewis Webathon?
3. On the Web, you miss nothing during a bathroom break.
2. A mouse has fewer buttons to master than a remote.
1. "Married...With Children."

WHIMSY RAMPANT IN `TV NATION' POLL

Dayton Daily News - 10/23/95

• Sixteen percent of all Americans believe that the world is out to get them. Of those, 46 percent own guns.

  That's one of the findings of a poll by Widgery and Associates for Michael Moore's whimsical but biting TV show TV Nation, which was canceled by Fox. It had been a summer show on NBC.

  Questions were asked of more than 200 people by telephone, in the years 1993 to 1995. The margin of error is plus or minus 9 percent.

  The results of the poll are circulating on the Internet. Some of the findings:

• Twelve percent of those polled said they think the success of actor David Hasselhoff, star of Baywatch, is due at least in part to "dealings with the devil."
• Seventy percent of American women polled said they have never had an emotionally satisfying relationship with a Republican.
• Of Americans who voted for President Clinton, 12.5 percent believe that someday they will be told "just what Victoria's Secret is." Of Bush voters, 98 percent believe that they will never know.
• Fourteen percent of Americans surveyed agreed that Puerto Rico should not be the 51st state because "that extra star would make the flag look bad."
• Of those who voted Republican in the last election, 14 percent thought Forrest Gump was a documentary.
• More Americans say they would rather spend time in a jacuzzi with Dan Rather than Tom Brokaw.
• Sixty percent say that, if they could push a button that would make Larry King disappear, they would keep pushing it and not stop.
• Twenty-nine percent of those surveyed think that the guy who first put the "great" in front of "Britain" probably meant it as a joke.
• Forty-two percent of Americans feel that Kato Kaelin should be a passenger in the next space shuttle, whether he wants to go or not.

A Yuppy, A BMW, and a missing Rolex

A yuppy opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the yuppy was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!", he whined. You yuppies are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!", retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!" Oh my gaaad...", replied the yuppy, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "where's my Rolex!!!!!"

Job Talk: Secret labor code in classified ads, cover letters and resumes

We're all fluent in this modern language. It's what we use when we want to exaggerate a little bit on our resumes or applications. It's also what we adopt when we're looking for a new person to join our company -- or not. Here's one interpretation of this secret labor code that appears in classified ads, cover letters, and resumes:

EMPLOYER TALK

• "ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION:" You'll be making under $7 an hour.
• "ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY:" You'll be making under $7 an hour; we'll be bankrupt in a year.
• "AN UP-AND-COMING SOFTWARE COMPANY:" We want you to get your hopes up, but there's no chance in hell we'll be the next Microsoft.
• "PROFIT-SHARING PLAN:"Once it's shared between the higher-ups, there won't be a profit.
• "COMPETITIVE SALARY:" We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
• "JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:" We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.
• "NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER:" Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we haven't done anything innovative since.
• "IMMEDIATE OPENING:" The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad.
• "SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER:" We're not going to supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait 30 days for your first commission check.
• "SELF-MOTIVATED:" Management won't answer questions
• "WE OFFER GREAT BENEFITS:" After 90 days, you can join our HMO, which has a $500 deductible and a $25 co-pay.
• "PENSION/RETIREMENT BENEFITS:" After 3 years, we'll allow you to fund your own 401(k) and, if you behave, we'll give you a 5 percent matching contribution.
• "SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING, PEOPLE:"...who still live with their parents and won't mind our internship-level salaries.
• "CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:" We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
• "COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT:" We have a lot of turnover.
• "EXCITING AND PROFESSIONAL WORK ENVIRONMENT:" Guys in gray suits will bore you with tales of squash and their weekends on yachts.
• "JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM:" We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.
• "FUN WORK ENVIRONMENT:" Your coworkers will be insulted if you don't drink with them.
• "A DRUG-FREE WORK ENVIRONMENT:" We booze it up at company parties.
• "MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:" You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
• "SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED:" If we're in trouble, you'll go on TV and get us out of it.
• "SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:" Some time each night and some time each weekend.
• "SALARY RANGE $24k-$32k:" We'll offer you $22k to start.
• "A HIGHLY VISIBLE POSITION:" You'll give boring speeches on your own time.
• "FLEXIBLE HOURS:" Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.
• "DUTIES WILL VARY:" Anyone in the office can boss you around.
• "WHERE EMPLOYEES FEEL VALUED:" Those who missed the last round of layoffs, that is.
• "MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:" We have no quality control.
• "COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED:" Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like philosophy, English or religion.
• "NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:" We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
• "SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:" You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
• "PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:" You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
• "REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:" You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
• "GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:" Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do.
• "ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD:" You whine, you're fired.
• "ASPIRATIONS FOR GROWTH WITHIN OUR COMPANY:" We loooooove brownnosers.

APPLICANT SPEAK

• "I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS:" I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.
• "I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION & ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS:" I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.
• "I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:" I've used Microsoft Office.
• "I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:" I pilfer office supplies.
• "MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:" I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.
• "I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:" I blame others for my mistakes.
• "I'M BALANCED AND CENTERED:" I'll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunch room.
• "I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR:" I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly.
• "I'M PERSONABLE:" I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
• "I'M WILLING TO RELOCATE:" As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better.
• "I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:" I carry a Day-Timer. "I AM ADAPTABLE:" I've changed jobs a lot.
• "I AM ON THE GO:" I'm never at my desk.
• "I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:" The minute I find a better job. I'm outta there.
• "I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING:" I'm a college drop-out.
• "I INTERACT WELL WITH CO-WORKERS:" I've been accused of sexual harassment.
• "THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION:" Wait! Don't throw me away!
• "I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON:" Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career.

HUMOR: Lawyer quotes

From the Salt Lake Tribune:

The following questions from lawyers were taken from official court records nationwide...

1. Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
2. Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?
3. Q: What happened then?
   A: He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'
   Q: Did he kill you?
4. Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
5. The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
6. Were you alone or by yourself.
7. How long have you been a French Canadian?font>
8. Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
9. Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
   A: That's me.
   Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?
10. Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
11. Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
    A: By death.
    Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
12. Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
    A: I'll be three months on November 8.
    Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
    A: Yes.
    Q: What were you doing at that time?
13. Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
    A: I used to be.
    Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
14. So you were gone until you returned?
15. Q: She had three children, right?
    A: Yes.
    Q: How many were boys?
    A: None.
    Q: Were there girls?
16. You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
17. Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
    A: Yes.
    Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
18. Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
    A: Not yet.
19. A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."
20. Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the rose Chapel?
    A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
    Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?
    A: No, you stupid, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!

Some Lawyer Jokes

The devil visited a young lawyer's office and made him an offer: "I can arrange some things for you," the devil said. "I'll increase your income fivefold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have 4 months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, and your children's souls and their children's souls must rot in hell for eternity." The lawyer thought for a moment and said, "What's the catch?"

A lawyer, a used car salesman and a banker were gathered by a coffin containing the body of an old friend. In his grief, one of the three said, "In my family, we have a custom of giving the dead some money, so they'll have something to spend over there." They all agreed that this was appropriate. The banker dropped a $100 bill into the casket and the car salesman did the same. The lawyer took out the bills and wrote a check for $300.

Politically Correct Terms

• Dirty Old Man: Sexually focused chronologically gifted individual.
• Perverted: Sexually dysfunctional.
• Panhandler: Unaffiliated applicant for private-sector funding.
• Serial-Killer: Person with difficult-to-meet needs.
• Lazy: Motivationally deficient.
• Fat: Horizontally challenged.
• Fail: Acheive a deficiency.
• Dishonest: Ethically disoriented.
• Bald: Follicularly challenged.
• Clumsy: Uniquely coordinated.
• Body Odor: Nondiscretionary fragrance.
• Alive: Temporarily metabolically abled.
• Worst: Least best.
• Wrong: Differently logical.
• Ugly: Cosmetically different.
• Unemployed: Involuntarily leisured.
• Short: Vertically challanged.
• Dead: Living impaired.
• Vagrant: Nonspecifically destinationed individual.
• Spendthrift: Negative saver.
• Stoned: Chemically inconvenienced.
• Pregnant: Parasitically opressed.
• Ignorant: Knowledge-based nonpossessor.

hOw 2 B AnNoYiNg

• Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way".
• Drum on every available surface.
• Remove every line of someone's .newsrc file except the entry for alt.sex.fetish.hamster.duct-tape.
• Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
• Staple papers in the middle of the page.
• Ask 800 operators for dates.
• Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.
• Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.
• Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
• Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
• Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
• Set alarms for random times.
• Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."
• Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.
• Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
• Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
• Leave your Nine Inch Nails tape in Great Uncle Ed's stereo, with the volume properly adjusted.
• Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
• Honk and wave to strangers.
• Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.
• Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
• Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
• Wear your pants backwards.
• Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register.
• Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
• Rouse your roommates from slumber each morning with Lou Reed's "Metal Machine Music".
• Leave someones printer in compressed-italic-cyrillic-landscape mode.
• ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
• only type in lowercase.
• dont use any punctuation either
• Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
• Pay for your dinner with pennies.
• Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
• Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
• Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
• Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assasination/UFO/ OJ Simpson conspiracy theories.
• Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
• Light road flares on a birthday cake.
• Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
• Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
• Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador".
• Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
• At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
• When Christmas carolling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.
• Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One".
• As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
• Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
• Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.
• Sing the "This is the song that never ends..." song. (Ya know, Lamb Chops?)
• Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
• Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
• Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up", and repeat.
• Drive half a block.
• Name your dog "Dog".
• Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
• Ask people what gender they are.
• Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
• Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
• Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern Drawl.
• Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot".
• Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".
• Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
• Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies' "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
• While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
• Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
• Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
• Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
• Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A.
• Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
• Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
• Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
• Wear a LOT of cologne.
• Ask to "interface" with someone.
• Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing".
• Sing along at the opera.
• Mow your lawn with scissors.
• At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!"
• Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy".
• Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend".
• Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
• Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles".
• Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't cricket."
• Stare at static on the tv and claim you can see a "magic picture".
• Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
• Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.
• Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing
• awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
• Never make eye contact.
• Never break eye contact.
• Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
• Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
• Construct your own pretend "tricorder", and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.
• Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.
• Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
• Make appointments for the 31st of September.
• Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
• Send fifty copies of this list to everyone you know.

---

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