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|AQUADEXTROUS||(ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.|
|AQUALIBRIUM||(ak wa lib' re um) n. The point where the stream of drinking fountain water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from (a) having to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting himself in the eye.|
|BURGACIDE||(burg' uh side) n. When a hamburger can't take any more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals.|
|CARPERPETUATION||(kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.|
|DISCONFECT||(dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will `remove' all the germs.|
|ECNALUBMA||(ek na lub' ma) n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rearview mirror.|
|EIFFELITES||(eye' ful eyetz) n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter what direction you lean in, follow suit.|
|ELBONICS||(el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.|
|ELECELLERATION||(el a cel er ay' shun) n. The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster the elevator will arrive.|
|FRUST||(frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.|
|LACTOMANGULATION||(lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the `illegal' side.|
|NEONPHANCY||(ne on' fan see) n. A fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to life.|
|PEPPIER||(pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.|
|PHONESIA||(fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.|
|PUPKUS||(pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.|
|TELECRASTINATION||(tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.|
|LICK-IT DIET||Let them open another can of food. Lick-it dry. Smear it around the dish then turn your nose up at it. An hour later you can sit by the dish and look at it with disdain, meaning; you don't expect me to eat this dry crap, do you?|
|RUG BURN||Take chunks of food from the plate and drop it on the rug just inside the living room. This is always good to burn them up.|
|THE SMELL OF HELL||Wander gingerly over to the food they just put out. Stretch your neck out and smell it. Then look up at them with that look that says, "what is this crap?"|
|WHERE'S MY MILK?||Sit in front of the fridge with your back to them. Be patient because sometimes they won't get up until a commercial. Look over your shoulder at them with a pitiful look. They feel so guilty for making you wait, they'll give you the heavy cream.|
|CONFUSION SAY||Yes, I know I ate some of that this morning, but that was this morning. I don't want any more of that. Make them open another can of something different. Always keep them confused about your diet.|
|REDECORATE||A few spots of dried food look great on the baseboard. The harder it gets, the harder they work!|
|BIRDS & MICE AND THINGS NOT NICE||Always bring home your quarry. Be sure to mess it up. Entrails are a nice touch. Leave it just outside the front door if possible. It's always good if they're not looking down and step on it. This is the Cat's Meow!|
|INDECISION||Sit at the screen door looking out. They almost always think you want to go out. Run away when they open the door. Three or four times is enough to drive them up the wall.|
|IN AND OUT||Sit looking at the doorknob. When they open the door, take your time. Take a good look around, pull your head back in. Look around the room. You don't have to decide quickly. Most of the damn fools will hold the door until you get the lay of the land and see which way the wind blows. For a real treat, after several minutes, back into the room, then look at them and say "what're you holding the damn door open for?|
|PEE TIME||Even if you don't have to go, time your visit for about 3 A.M. Climb on their bed and get in their face. Tickle them with your whiskers until they wake up. The old man probably had to pee anyway but was too lazy to get up. Make a stop by the fridge. It's always worth a try to see if he gives you some milk. If he does, you can always wake him again at 4 A.M.|
|FOIL & TOIL||A cigarette pack or a ball of foil is great to play with. Be sure to shred it and scatter the pieces. When the old lady is bent over picking up the scraps, you can chuckle at her backside. After all, they don'[t understand our language anyhow.|
|WALKING||The main object here is to get underfoot. It's also fun to startle them. As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.|
|DOGS||Always act afraid of dogs in front of humans. They feel so sorry they pick you up to comfort you. Put on a big show and hang on for life.|
|BARF....||If you have to throw up, get to a bed quickly. Barf in the middle of the quilt, preferably a good thick one that doesn't fit in the washer. It will give the human a chance to go to a Laundromat and spend more money. Add this cost to the total you're already costing them. It makes you feel treasured and expensive. If you cannot manage to get to a quilter, try a chair or an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as the human's bare foot. Move around as much as possible to leave a glob, here, there and everywhere. Stand back and watch your mistress gag and swear while she tries to clean it up.|
|ANOTHER CAT?||No way! Establish your territory early. Make that intruder respect you. He'll give you lots of room and walk around you. When you know he wants to eat, go over and pick on the food so he has to wait. If you like his food, steal it. Deny him all privileges. Be sure to carry on if they give him any attention.|
|BATHROOMS||Always sit just around the corner of the door so they narrowly miss stepping on you. Smile as they trip, bang into a wall and curse. Hide under the table until they calm down and want to pet you and calm you down.|
|HAMPERING:||If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is
idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping", otherwise known as
"hampering." Following are the rules for "hampering":
|BEDTIME:||Always sleep on the human at night so s/he cannot move around.|
|PLAY:||This is an important part of your life. Get enough sleep in the daytime so you are fresh for your nocturnal games. Below are listed several favorite cat games that you can play. It is important though to maintain one's Dignity at all times. If you should have an accident during play, such as falling off a chair, immediately wash a part of your body as if to say "I MEANT to do that!" It fools those humans every time.|
|PAPER BAGS||Within paper bags dwell the Bag Mice. They are small and camouflaged to be the same color as the bag, so they are hard to see. But you can easily hear the crinkling noises they make as they scurry around the bag. Anything, up to and including shredding the bag, can be done to kill them.|
|SCRATCHING POSTS||The arms of their easy chairs are great places to scratch and claw the fabric. You need to leave your mark on the world. This always gets their attention. Hassocks are also good scratching posts. It is advised that cats use any scratching post the humans may provide. They are very protective of what they think is their property and will object strongly if they catch you sharpening your claws on it.|
|HUMANS||Humans have three primary functions: to feed us, to play with and give attention to us, and to clean the litter box. It is important to maintain one's Dignity when around humans so that they will not forget who is the master of the house. Humans need to know basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and are consistent. You will then have a smooth-running household.|
Change Lightbulb WebPage
The most comprehensive Webpage dedicated to How many ... does it take to change a light bulb!!!! <!===================================================================>
A man takes the day off of work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron." The man looks round and doesn't see anyone so he tries again. "Ribbit. 9 Iron."
He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits a birdie. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog eh?" The frog reply's "Ribbit, Lucky frog. Lucky frog."
The man decided to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?", the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." was the reply. The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "Ok where to next?" The frogs reply, "Ribbit Las Vegas".
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "Ok frog, now what?" The frog says , "Ribbit Roulette". Upon approaching the roulette table the man asks," what do you think I should bet?" The frogs reply, "Ribbit $3000 black 6." Now, this is a million to one shot that this would win but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.
He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me". He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. All of a sudden the frog turns into the most gorgeous 16 year old girl in the world.
"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room"!
A Programmer and an Engineer were sitting next to each other on an airplane. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he wants to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to sleep so he politely declines, turns away and tries to sleep. The Programmer persists and explains that it's a real easy game. He explains,"I ask a question and if you don't know the answer you pay me $5. Then you ask a question and if I don't know the answer I'll pay you $5." Again the Engineer politely declines and tries to sleep.
The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "O.K., if you don't know the answer you pay me $5 and if I don't know the answer I pay you $50!" Now, that got the Engineer's attention, so he agrees to the game. The Programmer asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" Then Engineer doesn't say a word and just hands the Programmer $5.
Now, its the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer,"What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?" The Programmer looks at him with a puzzled look, takes out his laptop computer, looks through all his references and after about an hour wakes the Engineer and hands the Engineer $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 turns away and tries to return to sleep.
The Programmer, a little miffed, asks, "Well what's the answer to the question?" Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands $5 to the Programmer, turns away and returns to sleep. <!===================================================================>
I do not accuse anybody of my death!
I committed suicide because two more days of this life and I would not know who I am!
You see, I had the misfortune to marry a widow who had a daughter. My father, who was a widower fell in love with this daughter of my wife. That way my wife became the mother-in-law of my father and at the same time he became my son-in-law.
Soon after "my mother" gave birth to a boy who consequently was my half-brother, but also grandson of my wife, I was since the grandfather of my half-brother.
Later on, my wife gave birth to a boy who was half-brother to my mother and also brother-in-law of my father and uncle of my son.
My wife, therefore, was the mother-in-law of her own daughter, I was the father of my mother, my father and his wife are my children, and I am my own grandfather.
As you can see my friend, I am leaving this world because I do not know anymore who I am.
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