Taking the Best and Booting the Rest

Please give us your thoughts and experiences which have enabled or prevented you from being a whole and healthy Iranian-American family. Maybe, we can learn from each others victories and defeats.
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I receive so many e-mails from non-Iranian women regarding Iranian men whom they are in love with or are about to marry or are already married to. Almost all complain of mistreatment by these men and/or their families, some ask for advice and some even ask for advice about the man's mistreatment of their children. I read them all, and although I often feel compassion, I can't help feeling that it takes two to tango.

Prior to my marriage, I dated many men of many races, religions and cultures from many countries (including from the United States). Some were well-educated and attractive, some were not. Some were rich, some were not. Some were very close to their families, some were distant. Some were disrespectful creeps, some were selfish and arrogant, one was abusive (that ended quickly), and none of them were right for me or gave me what I needed.

I did not come from privilege, was not a rich woman and couldn't afford fine clothes and cars, but I made sure that I had a place to sleep and eat and didn't have to stay somewhere I was ill-treated or uncomfortable. I learned to take care of myself (physically, emotionally, spiritually and financially) so that I would not be forced to be with someone who was not good to me. I got to know myself, to know what pushed my buttons and what rang my chimes. And when the right guy came along, he was easy to spot because I knew what I absolutely needed, what I ideally wanted and the difference between the two. And I learned to take responsibility for both.

My point is that if you don't take care of yourself it is unlikely that you'll find someone else to, in the way you want them to. If you are a chronic victim, and especially if your children are quickly learning to be victims too, look in the mirror.

Get counseling. Get training. There are probably places in your neighborhood or nearby where you can find these services at little or no cost. If you can read this, you have enough education to get a job so that you can house and feed yourself if need be. A low-level job may not have dignity, but being abused has less. Put yourself in a position of choice, not necessity. Learn to take care of yourself. Learn to distance yourself from people who don't/won't/can't treat you well. And, learn to treat good people well so they'll stay around - if you don't take care of someone else it is unreasonable (if not ridiculous) to expect them to take care of you. None of this is easy, but all of it is possible. We live in the United States - not Iran, not Afghanistan, not sub-Saharan Africa or many of the other places where freedom and opportunities for women are often non-existent.

My point is also and probably most importantly that there are many, many stupid, needy men and an equal number of stupid, needy women. They come from all cultures, countries, educational backgrounds and socio-economic classes. To think otherwise speaks of either a terrible lack of experience or, even worse, a terrible bigotry.

When I finally did take a husband, I chose someone imperfect. We are both strong and stubborn and often have different opinions, concerns and priorities. We have had many disagreements and I'm sure we will have many more. He sometimes blunders (as do I) and his behavior is not always perfect (nor is mine). But he is consistently loving, attentive, considerate and loyal (even in the face of his family) not to mention handsome, smart, funny, a wonderful father and provider. He knows I expect nothing less of him, and I know he expects nothing less of me. He always listens (sometimes sooner, sometimes later just like me), and when he cannot defend his behavior, he makes continual and serious efforts to address our issues (as do I). We, both of us, do our best to remember what's really important, and to make every effort to be kind to each other and our children. And when we fail which we invariably sometimes do, we do our best to take responsibility and make amends.

He is, without reservation and without question, the best friend I have ever had and, I like to think, am his.

I have met someone who is from Iran, but I think I am getting stuck in the mud, because of differences in perceptions....can anyone please shed some light on this issue? from this website I know I have my work cut out for me and there is no one way to tackle this issue, but I would appreciate any information u can give me....
Thank u, Ellen

He recently has expressed the following;
Should he marry an Iranian Virgin? It bothers him that I have an ex-boyfriend. He is not rude in anyway when he express his concerns. He thinks that if he marry's an Iranian Virgin that they will only know him.

I don't understand how Iranian men still have arranged marriages. He is consistently being invited to Persian house holds for dinner where all they do is push there daughters off on him. I even attended a dinner with his extended family and they were trying to set him up with his cousin with me sitting there. I was so amazed. Not so much mad but shocked.

He loves me but I think he is concerned or thinks that American woman are too liberated. He has made comments such as what would stop you from leaving me. He says that Americans get divorced to easily. And an Iranian woman would never divorce there husband.

Sorry for my rambling but I have no one to talk to about this except for him. My friends don't understand and I need an outsiders opinion. - Shannon

Shannon, I had a similar problem with my husband when we had just met. I later found out that, it was not as much that I wasn't a virgin, but rather that I had already left another man. His family was also concerned, as if I had already been married once and got divorced and therefore there was a higher chance that I would leave their son when/if things got tough.

Although now a days there are a lot more divorce among Iranian families, it is still a very small percentage. Its nothing like our 50-60% divorce ratios.

It took a lot of reassuring on my side to make him feel strong and confident about our relationship. Once we were married his family became more supportive. Every year that passes, I feel I gain more of their respect. I guess, I have to earn their love and respect and once you have earned it, its there unconditional.

Sooo, if you love him, be open with him. Understand his fears and try to assure him. - Best of luck, Linda

Best of luck! - Lori

Anyway, you have to consider whether you can accept being married to a foreigner. It is not easy even after 25 years, for example now my husband and I clash on how liberal we are with our children (ie: should they date or not). Also if you have any problems with his family now just imagine being married to them. Yes, them!! Because believe me you won't be marrying just him. Iranians are very close to their families, and they will be a constant force in your life. My inlaws have lived with me so many times for months at a stretch. Not just his parents but also nephews, etc. anyone who needed him. So consider how comfortable you are with that because it is a definite possibility.

Anyway what I am trying to say is rather than trying to find a way to persuade his mind to think differently, examine your own views on this subject and choose what will make you happy. In the end, it is very difficult to change people's values which they have been taught all their lives, particularly if they don't really want to change themselves. So think whether you can accept him and his family and culture as they are; will they really make you happy. If so, go for it!!
Linda T.

My name is Lisa and I have been married to an Iranian man for 7 years. He was been in the U.S. for 20 years and is very Americanized. We are both Christians, which helps bridge the religion issue. In some areas, we have a lot in common and in other areas we don't. We only dated 6 months before we decided to get married. Here are some suggestions I would give you based on what I have experienced:

1. Take your time and date the man. How his behavior is now will not change. You cannot change the man. Can you cope or deal with all aspects of his behavior? Can he with your behavior?

2. Religion is a big issue....especially when children come...it's tough when both have different beliefs.

3. Your time-honored family traditions and heritage are going to be different than his. Will he accept yours? My husband does not celebrate holidays, traditions, etc...the way I did, so sometimes there is difficulty. You may have to accept that your husband just does not get in to Mother's Day and Valentine's Day and Thanksgiving like we Americans do. You would think it wouldn't matter but it does.

4. Spend time with his family. If you do not like them now, you never will. Family in-law issues can cause big problems. I speak from experience. My husband does not like my family and it has caused us great turmoil.

I could write a book about how to live or not live with a Iranian man. I think it's the same with any ethnicity -- family, values, religion, personality, etc...Anglos and Persians are just different in some aspect -- but we all experience love, feelings, anger, culture, etc...

I love my husband with all of my heart. I wouldn't trade my life with him for anything...I just wish I had thought more about the consequences I have had to experience before I jumped right in...

Lisa

Michele, San Francisco, America

From my own experience and some of my close friends, we really didn't get his family support & acceptance till a few years after we have been married. I guess once they see your love and devotion and being a good house wife and all, then you can count on his family's support and love and respect. I guess, we had to earn it.

As far as what he wants and his expectations, I can tell you that it is very very very important that you are lady in public and specially in front of his family and friend. YOU NEVER TALK OR SHOW YOUR PROBLEMS IN PUBLIC. Disgaree with him, argue with him but in privacy. In public, you don't correct him, you don't ridicule him or make a joke of him, you don't talk back to him or argue with him,....

The last thing I can remembers at this time is to respect elders (his parents, grand parents) and in general anybody older whether Persian or not to be respected and served.

Oh yes, you have to be a GREAT HOST. Guests are very important and treated very well, this is a true Persian culture trait. If you ever visit Iran you would know. Good luck and let me know. - Linda

I know that it can be very hard in the begining and you may feel like an outsider in his family. However, I do have some advice to share that may help you. First of all, you must understand that when he is with his family (as well as other Persian friends) he will probably feel most comfortable speaking Farsi. Don't feel as if he is ignoring you. You will begin to understand the conversations soon enough and if not you can always begin to learn on your own. Another thing I have found that his family appreciates is that I am very open to learning Persian cooking, decorating our house in Persian art and learning Persian and Islamic customs. You really have to gauge his family's values and try to respect them. For instance, his parents and grandparents are very religous people. Although I have never gone to the Mosque with my husband (he is not very religious) I do take my in-laws there when they visit. As well, I dress in appropriate fashion in front of my in-laws (as per Islamic requirements - including Hijab or Chador). My husband says I do not have to do this and my mom is very taken aback that I do, but I know my in-laws appreciate it.

I hope my advice was helpful! -- Ketherine

love Nahid