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• Volume A
  . . .
  . . .
  . . .
• Volume T
• Volume U
• Volume V
• Volume W
  • Top 20 Engineers' Terminology and What They Really Mean!
  • WOMAN - A Chemical Analysis!
  • Why Ask Why?
  • What if condoms had corporate sponsors?
  • The Big Green Button
  • How The Media Would Cover The Apocalypse
  • If the Beatles were Programmers
  • Signatures Seen On The Net
  • Funny & Interesting Acronyms
• Volume X
• Volume Y
• Volume Z

Acknowledgements and Submission Guidelines

• Contributors to this page: Sally Kanner (The Humor Source - San Diego, California, US), Steve Shaheen & Aram Azadpour (Austin, Texas, US), Gechen Wang (HongKong, Discovery Bay), Sere Bauer (Xpunk - Minneapolis, Minnesota, USA), Nancy Matthews (Da Teach - Leander, Texas, US), Matthew L. Shuchman, Rodd Feingold

• When you come across something that would fit this page, forward it to jafang@farsinet.com, If you know the origional source of the material, please include it in your submission.

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Top 20 Engineers' Terminology and What They Really Mean!

1. A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED - We are still pissing in the wind.
2. EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM - We just hired three kids fresh out of college.
3. CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION - We know who to blame.
4. MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH - It works okay, but looks very hi-tech.
5. CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED - We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.
6. PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE - The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.
7. TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING - We were so suprised that the stupid thing works.
8. THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED - The only person who understood the thing quit.
9. IT IS IN THE PROCESS - It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is hopeless.
10. WE WILL LOOK INTO IT - Forget it! We have enough problems for now
11. PLEASE GIVE NOTE AND INITIAL - Let's spread the responsibility for the screw up.
12. GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING - We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already done.
13. GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION - I can't wait to hear this bull!
14. SEE ME or LET'S DISCUSS - Come into my office, I'm lonely.
15. ALL NEW - Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.
16. RUGGED - Too damn heavy to lift!
17. LIGHTWEIGHT - Lighter than rugged.
18. YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - One finally worked!
19. ENERGY SAVING - Achieved when the power switch is off.
20. LOW MAINTENANCE - Impossible to fix if broken.

"WOMAN" : A Chemical Analysis

Physical properties:

1. Surface usually covered in painted film
2. Boils at nothing, freezes without any known reason
3. Melts if given special treatment
4. Bitter if incorrectly used
5. Found in various states, ranging from virgin metal to common ore
6. Yields to pressure applied at correct points

Chemical properties:

1. Has great affinity for gold, silver and a range of precious stones
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances
3. May explode spontaneiously without prior warning and for no known reason
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increases by saturation in alcohol
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man

Common uses:

1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation
3. Very effective cleaning agent

Tests:

1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen

Potential hazards:

1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands
2. Illegal to posses more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other

WARNING:

Why Ask Why?

• Why is it when you sit around the house you don't actually sit around the house?
• Why do 10 pounds of groceries generate 50 pounds of garbage?
• Why is abbreviate such a long word?
• Why do you park in a driveway and drive on a parkway?
• What do you plant to grow a seedless watermelon?
• Why are they called apartments when they are so close together?
• Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
• Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
• Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
• Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
• Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
• If a 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
• How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the morning?
• If nothing sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
• If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
• If your vehicle is going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
• Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
• Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
• You know that little indestructible black box used on planes? Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
• Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the radio volume?

What if condoms had corporate sponsors?

How The Media Would Cover The Apocalypse

If the Beatles were Programmers

Eleanor Rigby
-------------

Eleanor Rigby
Sits at the keyboard
And waits for a line on the screen
Lives in a dream
Waits for a signal
Finding some code
That will make the machine do some more.
What is it for?

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?

Guru MacKenzie
Typing the lines of a program that no one will run;
Isn't it fun?
Look at him working,
Munching some chips as he waits for the code to compile;
It takes a while...

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?

Eleanor Rigby
Crashes the system and loses 6 hours of work;
Feels like a jerk.
Guru MacKenzie
Wiping the crumbs off the keys as he types in the code;
Nothing will load.

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?


Unix Man(nowhere man)
---------------------
He's a real UNIX Man
Sitting in his UNIX LAN
Making all his UNIX .plans
For nobody.

Knows the blocksize from du(1)
Cares not where /dev/null goes to
Isn't he a bit like you
And me?

UNIX Man, please listen(2)
My lpd(8) is missin'
UNIX Man
The wo-o-o-orld is at(1) your command.
He's as wise as he can be
Uses lex and yacc and C
UNIX Man, can you help me
At all?
UNIX Man, don't worry
Test with time(1), don't hurry
UNIX Man
The new kernel boots, just like you had planned.

He's a real UNIX Man
Sitting in his UNIX LAN
Making all his UNIX .plans
For nobody ...
Making all his UNIX .plans
For nobody.


Write in C(let it be)
---------------------
When I find my code in tons of trouble,
Friends and colleagues come to me,
Speaking words of wisdom:
"Write in C."

As the deadline fast approaches,
And bugs are all that I can see,
Somewhere, someone whispers:
"Write in C."

Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, oh, Write in C.
LOGO's dead and buried,
Write in C.

I used to write a lot of FORTRAN,
For science it worked flawlessly.
Try using it for graphics!
Write in C.
If you've just spent nearly 30 hours,
Debugging some assembly,
Soon you will be glad to
Write in C.

Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, yeah, Write in C.
BASIC's not the answer.
Write in C.

Write in C, Write in C
Write in C, oh, Write in C.
Pascal won't quite cut it.
Write in C.

Signatures Seen On The Net

1. "Don't procrastinate, put something off today." - Source unknown - Submitted by John Sachko (12/10/1996)
2. Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
3. Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
4. Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
5. We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
6. Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
7. Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
8. Did anyone see my lost carrier?
9. Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
10. I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
11. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
12. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
13. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
14. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
15. There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
16. Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
17. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
18. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
19. Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
20. Double your drive space - delete Windows!
21. What is a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free?
22. If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
23. "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
24. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
25. Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
26. I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.
27. I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
28. I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming, terrified, like his passengers.
29. Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
30. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
31. When there's a will, I want to be in it.
32. Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?
33. Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
34. I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
35. We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
36. All generalizations are false, including this one.
37. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
38. "Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.

Funny & Interesting Acronyms

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