Wife or Mistress

The architect, the artist and the engineer were discussing whether it was better to have a wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said "I like both" "Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will both assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go into the lab and get some work done."

Haircuts - The difference between men and women

Women's version: Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute! Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking? Woman2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think. Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck. Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line. Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier. Men's version: Man2: Haircut? Man1: Yeah.

Adam and Eve

A few days after letting Adam and Eve settle in, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you to kiss her." Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but what is a 'kiss?'" So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand for a walk in the garden. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable." And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that and now I'd like you to caress Eve." And Adam said, "What is a 'caress?'" So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam again took Eve for a walk in the garden. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss." And the Lord said, "You've done well Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve." And Adam asked, "What is 'make love' Lord?'" So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam began to take Eve for another walk, but this time he reappeared in only seconds. And Adam said, "Lord, what is a 'headache?'"

Men!!!

What did God say after creating man? "I can do better." What's the difference between Savings Bonds and men? Bonds mature. How do men define a 50-50 relationship? We are hungry -- women cook. We are dirty -- women clean. We wrinkle -- women iron. How do men exercise at the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a woman in a bikini. What's the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a 40-year-old man? The woman thinks about having children, the man thinks about dating them. Why is it good that there are female astronauts? So someone will ask for directions if they get lost. What did the experts of the '90s discover that could do the work of 10 men? One woman. What's a man's idea of a seven-course meal? A six-pack and a hot dog. What's a man's idea of helping with the housework? Lifting his legs so you can vacuum. Why does a man have a clear conscience? Because it's never used. What are a man's three favorite words to say to his partner? "While you're up ..." What is a man's idea of commitment? A second date. Why do men like exercising on Stairmasters? It leaves their hands free for a beer and the remote control. What is the best way to force a man to do situps? Put the TV remote control between his toes. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you get rid of him on the weekends. Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for a man than for a woman? When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there. While driving through back roads two truck drivers came to an overpass with a sign reading Clearance 11'3". They measured their rig and it was 12'4" tall. "What do you think?" asks one of the guys. The other guy looks around and replies, "Not a cop in sight. Let's chance it."

Smuggling Sand Across the Border

While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, the man was stopped by a guard who pointed to two sacks the man had on his shoulders. "What's in the bags?", asked the guard. "Sand," said the cyclist. "Get them off - we'll take a look," said the guard. The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued across the border. Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded to see the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand. This went on every week for six months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear. A few days later, the guard happened to meet the cyclist downtown. "Say friend, you sure had us crazy", said the guard. "We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won't say a word - but what is it you were smuggling?" "Bicycles!"

Two Italians on A Bus

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following; "Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more." "You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Imma just tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi." (From the archives of Luape Wenado Delagros Noswila.)

25 Snappy Comebacks to the age old question - Why aren't you married yet?

You haven't asked yet. I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life. What? And spoil my great sex life? Nobody would believe me in white. Because I just love hearing this question. Just lucky, I guess. It gives my mother something to live for. My fiancee is awaiting his/her parole. I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America. Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon? I'm waiting until I get to be your age. It didn't seem worth a blood test. I already have enough laundry to do, thank you. Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating. My co-op board doesn't allow spouses. I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund. They just opened a great singles bar on my block. I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness. I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals. What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads? We really want to, but my lover's spouse just won't go for it. I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck. Why aren't you thin? I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation. (Bonus reply for Single Mothers) Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.

Speeding Ticket

A guy and his wife were speeding down the interstate when a state cop pulls him over. The man says "What's the problem officer?" Officer: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone. Man: No sir, I was going 65. Wife: Oh Harry, You were going 80. Man gives his wife a dirty look. Officer: I will also give you a ticket for your broken tail light. Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light! Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for months. Man gives his wife a dirty look. Officer: I will also give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt. Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car. Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt. Man turns to his wife and yells, "Bitch! Shut your damn mouth! Officer turns to the woman and says, "Ma'm, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?" Wife says, "No, only when he's drunk."

A Dog Named SEX

Everyone who has a dog calls him Spot or Rover. I call mine Sex. Now Sex has been very embarrasing to me. When I went to city hall to renew his dog licence, I told the clerk I wanted a licence for Sex. He said he would like to have one too. But then I said, this is for a dog. He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, look you don't understand, I've had Sex since I was nine years old. He said I must have been quite a kid. When I got married and went on my honeymoon I took the dog with us. I told the hotel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said that all the rooms were for sex. I said you don't understand, Sex keeps me awake at night. He said me too. One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition started, Sex ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold tickets. But you don't understand, I said, I planned to have Sex on TV. He called me a show-off. When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, your honor, I had Sex before I was married. The judge said me too. Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said me too. Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking for him. A cop came over to me and asked me what I was doing in the alley at four-o'clock in the morning. I told him I was looking for Sex. My case comes up Friday.

Seinfeld-isms
I had a parakeet that used to fly around the house and crash into these huge mirrors my mother put in. Ever heard of this interior design principle, that a mirror makes it seem like you have an entire other room? What kind of jerk walks up to a mirror and goes, "Hey look, there's a whole other room in there. There's a guy that looks just like me in there." But the parakeet would fall for this. I'd let him out of his cage, he'd fly right into the mirror. And I'd always think, "Even if he thinks the mirror is another room, why doesn't he at least try to avoid hitting the other parakeet??	Dating is pressure and tension. What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference between a date and a job interview is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it. "Well, Bill, the boss thinks you're the man for the job. Why don't you strip down and meet some of the people you'll be working with?"
What would the world be like if people said whatever they were thinking about at the time, whenever it came to them? How long would a blind date last? About 13 seconds, I think. "Oh, sorry, your rear-end is too big." "That's ok, your breath stinks anyway. See you later."	Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we're doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They're very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.
Men and women, all in all, behave just like our basic sexual elements. If you watch single men on a weekend night they really act very much like sperm - all disorganized, bumping into their friends, swimming in the wrong direction. "I was first." "Let me through." "You're on my tail." "That's my spot." They're like the Three Billion Stooges. But the egg is very cool: "Well, who's it going to be? I can divide. I can wait a month. I'm not swimming anywhere."

Sympathy Pains can kill the Mailman

A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the knob to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain that the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bumb it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home from the hospital, they found the mailman dead on their front porch.

THE CASTAWAY ENGINEER

A rather inhibited engineer finally splurged on a luxury cruise to the Caribbean. It was the "craziest" thing he had ever done in his life. Just as he was beginning to enjoy himself, a hurricane roared upon the huge ship, capsizing it like a child's toy. Somehow the engineer, desperately hanging on to a life preserver, managed to wash ashore on a secluded island. Outside of beautiful scenery, a spring-fed pool, bananas and coconuts, there was little else. He lost all hope and, for hours on end, sat under same palm tree. One day, after several months had passed, a gorgeous woman in a small rowboat appeared. "I'm from the other side of the island," she said. "Were you on the cruise ship, too?" "Yes, I was, " he answered. "But where did you get that rowboat?" "Well, I whittled the oars from gum tree branches, wove the reinforced gunny from palm branches, and made the keel and stern from a Eucalyptus tree." "But, what did you use for tools?" asked the man. "There was a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed on the south side of the island. I discovered that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgettable ductile iron. Anyhow, that's how I got the tools. But, enough of that," she said. "Where have you been living all this time? I don't see any shelter." "To be honest, I've just been sleeping on the beach," he said. "Would you like to come to my place?" the woman asked. The engineer nodded dumbly. She expertly rowed them around to her side of the island, and tied up the boat with a handsome strand of hand-woven hemp topped with a neat back splice. They walked up a winding stone walk she had laid and around a Palm tree. There stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. "It's not much, but I call it home." Inside, she said, "Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?" "No, thanks," said the man. "One more coconut juice and I'll throw up!" "It won't be coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a crude still out back, so we can have authentic Pina Coladas." Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted the drink, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged stories, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?" "No," the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life until I ended up on this island." "Well if you'd like to shave, there's a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet." The man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom and shaved with an intricate bone-and-shell device honed razor sharp. Next he showered - not even attempting to fathom a guess as to how she managed to get warm water into the bathroom - and went back downstairs. He couldn't help but admire the masterfully carved banister as he walked. "You look great," said the woman. "I think I'll go up and slip into something more comfortable." As she did, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman, smelling faintly of gardenias, returned wearing a revealing gown fashioned out of pounded palm fronds. "Tell me," she asked, "we've both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been lonely? Is there anything that you really, really miss? Something that all men and women need? Something that would be really nice to have right now!" "Yes there is!" the man replied, shucking off his shyness. "There is something I've wanted to do for so long. But on this island all alone, it was just... well, it was impossible. "Well, it's not impossible, any more," the woman said. The man, practically panting in excitement, said breathlessly: "You mean you actually figured out some way we can check our e-mail here?"

Bill Gates dies

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter. "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven of Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created the ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go." Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two ?" St. Peter said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision." "Fine, but where should I go first?" I'll leave that up to you." Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased. "This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!" "Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went. Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmmmm, I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter. "Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in a dark cave, being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going ?" he asked Bill. Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to the other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water ???" "That was a demo," replied St. Peter.

If restaurants worked like Microsoft...

Patron: Waiter! Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem? Patron: There's a fly in my soup! Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time. Patron: No, it's still there. Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead. Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there. Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using? Patron: A SOUP bowl! Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up? Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup? Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup? Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day! Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day? Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day? Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour. Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now? Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato. Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup and the check. I'm running late now. [Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check.] Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check. Patron: This is potato soup. Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet. Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything. [Waiter leaves.] Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup! The check: Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . . $ 5.00 Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . . $ 2.50 Access to support . . . . . . . . . . $10.00 Editors Note: Bug in the soup included at no extra charge (will be fixed with Tomorrow's soup of the day)

Bad CULTivated jokes

Why did many of the cult members castrate themselves? -- Because they misunderstood the job requirement: "Wanted: UNIX programmers." Sung to the Song "Ghost Riders in the Sky" There was a band of hacker boys, far too close to L.A. Thought they'd become astronauts by Jimmy Jones' way. Their faces draped in purple and their hearts were mighty pure, Assumed they'd ride a comet, now they're all room temperature. Yippie-Aye-Yeaaaa. Yippie-Aye-Oooooo. Ghoooosssst Hackers iiiiinnnn the skyyyyyy. They all wore new black Nikes with their glasses by their heads, "The aliens are comin'" were the last words that they said. They thought alien paradise was their eternal lot, But the National Enquirer was as far out as they got. Yippie-Aye-Yeaaaa. Yippie-Aye-Oooooo. Ghoooosssst Hackers iiiiinnnn the skyyyyyy. So if you're surfin' pilgim, our electronic frontier, Take off your hat and raise your mouse and shed a silent tear. For 39 poor suckers who for Hale-Bopp gave their all, By mainlining the Internet, and Phenobarbytol. Yippie-Aye-Yeaaaa. Yippie-Aye-Oooooo. Ghoooosssst Hackers iiiiinnnn the skyyyyyy.

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