Everyboday, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody

This is a story about four peeple named Everyboday, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to be done, and Everybody was asked to do it. Everyboday was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everyboday wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done!!!

The Old Man and his Young Bride

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?" The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle." "And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried. Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No". The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!" "That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear." "That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.

Barbie

A father goes into the toy store to buy his daughter a Barbie doll for Christmas. The clerk shows him three different models. "This first one is Fashion Barbie, and it costs $19.95." "This second one is Sportie Barbie and she costs $19.95 also." Then, showing him the third one says, "And this is Divorced Barbie and she costs $249." "What? $249....why is this one so much more expensive?" The clerk replied, "Because she comes with Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's boat, Ken's swimming pool, etc."

BILL CLINTON IS MY SHEPARD...

BILL CLINTON IS MY SHEPARD WHOM I DO NOT WANT. HE MAKETH MANY LIES ABOUT GREEN PASTURES. HE LEADETH ME BESIDES THE STILL FACTORIES. HE RESTORETH MY DOUBTS ABOUT THE DEMOCRATS. HE LEADTH ME IN THE PATHS OF SOCIALISM FOR HIS NAMESAKE. YES, I WILL WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEBT, AND I WILL FEAR MUCH EVIL, FOR HE IS WITH ME. HILLARY AND HER STAFF DISCOMFORT ME. HE PREPARES A TAX HIKE FOR ME, TO GIVE PRESENTS TO MINE ENEMIES. HE ANNOINTED MY WAGES WITH INFLATION SO THAT MY EXPENSES RUNNETH OVER MY INCOME. SURELY POVERTY AND HARD TIMES SHALL FOLLOW ME ALL THE DAYS OF HIS ADMINISTRATION. AND I WILL DWELL IN A RENTED HUD HOUSE FOREVER.

Things NOT to say to the nice police officer
I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me!
Good job!
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
Bad cop! No donut!
You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?
Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand.
Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonald's?
I pay your salary!
So, uh, you on the take, or what?
Gee, Officer! That's terrific! The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around--that's how far ahead of me they are.
What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist.
Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!
Hey, can you give me another one of those full body cavity searches?

Crazy Signs
Sign in a Laundromat	AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
Sign in a London department store:	BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office:	WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
In an office:	AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
Outside a secondhand shop:	WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Outside a photographer's studio:	OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO
Seen at the side of a Sussex road:	SLOW CATTLE CROSSING. NO OVERTAKING FOR THE NEXT 100 YRS.
Outside a disco:	SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME
Notice in a dry cleaner's window:	ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF.
Sign on motorway garage:	PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS.
Notice in health food shop window:	CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park:	ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference:	FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR
Message on a leaflet:	IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
Sign on a repair shop door:	WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

Marriage...

Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that. At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man." Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's. A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it." Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in most countries, son. Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late. When a newly married man looks happy we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy - we wonder why. Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen. After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it." A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

The Truth About Barney
One of our secret operatives sent us this: Start with the given: CUTE PURPLE DINOSAUR Change all U's to V's (which is proper Latin anyway): CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR Extract all Roman Numerals: C V V L D I V Convert into Arabic values: 100 5 5 50 500 1 5 Add all the numbers: 666 Thus, Barney is Satan.

Fishing and God

A drunk decides to go ice fishing, so he gathers his gear and goes walking around until he finds a big patch of ice. He heads into the center of the ice and begins to saw a hole. All of sudden, a loud booming voice comes out of the sky. "You will find no fish under that ice." The drunk looks around, but sees no one. He starts sawing again. Once more, the voice speaks, "As I said before, there are no fish under the ice." The drunk looks all around, high and low, but can't see a single soul. He picks up the saw and tries one more time to finish. Before he can even start cutting, the huge voice interrupts. "I have warned you three times now. There are no fish!" The drunk is now flustered and somewhat scared, so he asks the voice, "How do you know there are no fish? Are you God trying to warn me?" "No", the voice replied. "I am the manager of this hockey area!

Hair Cut

A priest went into a Washington, D.C., barbershop, got his hair cut and asked how much he owed. "No charge, Father," the barber said. "I consider it a service to the Lord." when the barber arrived at his shop the next morning, he found a dozen small prayer booklets on the stoop along with a thank you note from the priest. A few days later a police officer came in. "How much do I owe you?" the cop asked after his haircut. "No charge, officer," the barber answered. "I consider it a service to my community." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts on the stoop along with a thank you note from the police officer. A few days after that, a Senator walked in for a haircut. "How much do I owe you?" he asked afterward. "No charge," the barber replied. "I consider it a service to my country." The next morning when he arrived at the shop, the barber found a dozen Senators waiting on the stoop.

What Kids Say ...

WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED? "Eighty-four, Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom." (Judy, 8) "Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife" (Tom, 5) WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE? "On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." (Mike, 10) WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? "You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." (Jim, 10) "Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." (Kally, 9) THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED? "It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them" (Lynette, 9) "It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." (Kenny, 7) CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE: "No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular." (Jan, 9) "I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful." (Harlen, 8) ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE: "Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." (Roger, 9) "If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." (Leo, 7) ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE: "If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." (Jeanne, 8) "It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." (Gary, 7) "Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." (Christine, 9) CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS: "They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them." (Dave, 8) CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE: "I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons' is on television." (Anita, 6) "Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." (Bobby, 8) "I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." (Regina, 10) THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER: "One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." (Ava, 8) SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU: "Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." (Del, 6) "Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." (Alonzo, 9) "One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me." (Bart, 9) HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE? "Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love." (John, 9) "Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food." (Brad, 8) "It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are...on fire." (Christine, 9) WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU": "The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day." (Michelle, 9) HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS: "You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you." (Doug, 7) "It might help to watch soap operas all day." (Carin, 9) WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? "It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you...That's why I stopped doing it." (Jean, 10) HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE: "Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." (Tom, 7) "Don't forget your wife's name...That will mess up the love." (Roger, 8) "Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash." (Randy, 8)

Respect on the Golf Course...

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a funeral procession on the road next to the golf course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man. "The man then replies "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."

Make me feel like a woman...

An airplane is being rocked by violent turbulence. Lightning is flashing outside and the engines are making a very strange noise. The captain is speaking to the passengers, but his voice is strained. He tells them they are trying to find a suitable landing area to get out of the storm. People are screaming. One woman yells, "I've been a virgin all my life, and I cannot die like this. Is there a man in here who can make me feel like a woman?" Only one man raises his hand. He gets out of his seat and walks over to her. He stands in front of her and takes of his shirt. Broad shoulders, strong arms, chisled face. "You ready to feel like a woman," he asks her. "Yes," she replies in a husky voice. He hands her his shirt and says, "Then iron this."

What is the big deal about a Period? - (Lttle Johnnie IX)

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period" reported Johnnie. "Well I can see that" she said. "but what is so exciting about a period?" "Damned if I know" said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."

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