Jafang: Funnies...

Atheism is a non-prophet organization. If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes? I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was, she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose. If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him....Is he still wrong? Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. Is there another word for synonym? Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"? When you open a bag of cotton balls...are you supposed to remove the one on top? Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all? What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? Would a wingless fly be called a walk? Is a shelless turtle homeless or just naked? Can vegetarians eat animal crackers? If a mime is arrested do they tell him he has the right to talk? Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets? How is it possible to have a civil war? If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2? If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?

Computer Heaven ... Computer Hell
In Computer Heaven: The management is from Intel, The design and construction is done by Apple, The marketing is done by Microsoft, IBM provides the support, Gateway determines the pricing.	In Computer Hell: The management is from Apple, Microsoft does design and construction, IBM handles the marketing, The support is from Gateway, Intel sets the price.

A Fairy Tail For Women in the 90's

Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so." That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she kept laughing and saying, "I don't think so."

hOw 2 B AnNoYiNg

Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way". Drum on every available surface. Remove every line of someone's .newsrc file except the entry for alt.sex.fetish.hamster.duct-tape. Sing the Batman theme incessantly. Staple papers in the middle of the page. Ask 800 operators for dates. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings. Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go". Set alarms for random times. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..." Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving. Leave your Nine Inch Nails tape in Great Uncle Ed's stereo, with the volume properly adjusted. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise. Honk and wave to strangers. Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies. Wear your pants backwards. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!" Rouse your roommates from slumber each morning with Lou Reed's "Metal Machine Music". Leave someones printer in compressed-italic-cyrillic-landscape mode. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE. only type in lowercase. dont use any punctuation either Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets. Pay for your dinner with pennies. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes. Repeat everything someone says, as a question. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assasination/UFO/ OJ Simpson conspiracy theories. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now." Light road flares on a birthday cake. Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley. Leave tips in Bolivian currency. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador". Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks. When Christmas carolling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One". As much as possible, skip rather than walk. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read. Finish the 99 bottles of beer song. Sing the "This is the song that never ends..." song. (Ya know, Lamb Chops?) Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles. Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up", and repeat. Drive half a block. Name your dog "Dog". Inform others that they exist only in your imagination. Ask people what gender they are. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think." Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern Drawl. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot". Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes". Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies' "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September. Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. Chew on pens that you've borrowed. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance. Wear a LOT of cologne. Ask to "interface" with someone. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing". Sing along at the opera. Mow your lawn with scissors. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!" Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy". Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend". Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles". Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't cricket." Stare at static on the tv and claim you can see a "magic picture". Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times. Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment. Never make eye contact. Never break eye contact. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn. Construct your own pretend "tricorder", and "scan" people with it, announcing the results. Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice. Holler random numbers while someone is counting. Make appointments for the 31st of September. Invite lots of people to other people's parties. Send fifty copies of this list to everyone you know.

Microsoft conducted an underground nuclear test

REDMOND (BNN)--World leaders reacted with stunned silence as Microsoft Corp. (MSFT) conducted an underground nuclear test at a secret facility in eastern Washington state. The device, exploded at 9:22 am PDT (1622 GMT/12:22 pm EDT) today, was timed to coincide with talks between Microsoft and the US Department of Justice over possible antitrust action. "Microsoft is going to defend its right to market its products by any and all necessary means," said Microsoft CEO Bill Gates. "Not that I'm anti-government" he continued, "but there would be few tears shed in the computer industry if Washington were engulfed in a bath of nuclear fire." Scientists pegged the explosion at around 100 kilotons. "I nearly dropped my latte when I saw the seismometer" explained University of Washington geophysicist Dr. Whoops Blammover, "At first I thought it was Mt. Rainier, and I was thinking, damn, there goes the mountain bike vacation." In Washington, President Clinton announced the US Government would boycott all Microsoft products indefinitely. Minutes later, the President reversed his decision. "We've tried sanctions since lunchtime, and they don't work," said the President. Instead, the administration will initiate a policy of "constructive engagement" with Microsoft. Microsoft's Chief Technology Officer Nathan Myrhvold said the test justified Microsoft's recent acquisition of the Hanford Nuclear Reservation from the US Government. Not only did Microsoft acquire "kilograms of weapons grade plutonium" in the deal, said Myrhvold, "but we've finally found a place to dump those millions of unsold copies of Microsoft Bob." Myrhvold warned users not to replace Microsoft NT products with rival operating systems. "I can neither confirm nor deny the existence of a radioisotope thermoelectric generator inside of every Pentium II microprocessor," said Myrhvold, "but anyone who installs an OS written by a bunch of long-hairs on the Internet is going to get what they deserve." The existence of an RTG in each Pentium II microprocessor would explain why the microprocessors, made by the Intel Corporation, run so hot. The Intel chips "put out more heat than they draw in electrical power" said Prof. E. E. Thymes of MIT. "This should finally dispell those stories about cold fusion." Rumors suggest a second weapons development project is underway in California, headed by Microsoft rival Sun Microsystems. "They're doing all of the development work in Java," said one source close to the project. The development of a delivery system is said to be holding up progress. "Write once, bomb anywhere is still a dream at the moment." Meanwhile, in Cupertino, California, Apple interim-CEO Steve Jobs was rumored to be in discussion with Oracle CEO Larry Ellison about deploying Apple's Newton technology against Microsoft. "Newton was the biggest bomb the Valley has developed in years," said one hardware engineer. "I'd hate to be around when they drop that product a second time." posted on 14 May 1998 Copyright 1998 by the Bogus News Network.

Pete Smith, my assistant programmer...

Project Report Sunject: Pete Smith's Performance Review Pete Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found hard at work in his cubicle. Pete works independetly, without wasting company time talking to colleagues. Pete never thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always finishes given assisgnments on time. Often Pete takes extended measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee breaks. Pete is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Pete can be classed as a high-caliber employee, the ty0pe which cannot be dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Pete be promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be executed as soon as possible. Sd/- Project Leader A MEMO WAS SOON SENT FOLLOWING THE LETTER: That idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines (1, 3, 5,.......) for my true assessment of him. Regards

Actual Quotes from Actual Managers

"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (The winning quote from Charles Hurst at Sun Microsystems) "What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter." "How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff?" "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should only be used for company business." "Turnover is good for the company. It proves we're doing a good job in training people." "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule." "No one will believe you solved this problem in one day - we've been working on it for months. Go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them."

Pity us men.........

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework, you're a sissy. If you work too hard, there is never any time for her. If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum. If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your but and find something better. If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity. If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference. If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're an insensitive jerk. If you thump her, it's wife bashing. If she thumps you, it's self defense. If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman. If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favor. If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert. If you don't, you're a fag. If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist. If you don't, you're unromantic. If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob. If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful. If you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself. If you don't, you're not ambitious. If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore. If you want it too often, you're oversexed. If you don't, there must be someone else.

Men!!!

What did God say after creating man? "I can do better." What's the difference between Savings Bonds and men? Bonds mature. How do men define a 50-50 relationship? We are hungry -- women cook. We are dirty -- women clean. We wrinkle -- women iron. How do men exercise at the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a woman in a bikini. What's the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a 40-year-old man? The woman thinks about having children, the man thinks about dating them. Why is it good that there are female astronauts? So someone will ask for directions if they get lost. What did the experts of the '90s discover that could do the work of 10 men? One woman. What's a man's idea of a seven-course meal? A six-pack and a hot dog. What's a man's idea of helping with the housework? Lifting his legs so you can vacuum. Why does a man have a clear conscience? Because it's never used. What are a man's three favorite words to say to his partner? "While you're up ..." What is a man's idea of commitment? A second date. Why do men like exercising on Stairmasters? It leaves their hands free for a beer and the remote control. What is the best way to force a man to do situps? Put the TV remote control between his toes. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you get rid of him on the weekends. Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for a man than for a woman? When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there. While driving through back roads two truck drivers came to an overpass with a sign reading Clearance 11'3". They measured their rig and it was 12'4" tall. "What do you think?" asks one of the guys. r>The other guy looks around and replies, "Not a cop in sight. Let's chance it."

Bungie Jumping in Cabo San Lucas!

Zeke and Zeb decided to build a Bungie Jumping tower in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico to see if it would make them some money. After they got it set up, they noticed that the crowds gathered around but nobody was buying tickets. Zeke said to Zeb, "Maybe you should demonstrate it to them so they get the idea." After Zeb was strapped on he jumped and fell almost to the ground before springing back. As he came back up Zeke noticed that his clothes were torn and wondered what that was all about. Zeb went down again and this time when he came back up Zeke noticed that he was bleeding. Zeke thought, "Wow, what's going on here." Zeb went down a third time and this time when he came back up Zeke noticed that he had blood, contusions and cuts all over his body. Zeke pulled Zeb in and said, "Zeb, what happened?" Zeb groaned, "I don't know, but what's a pinata??"

Why did the chicken cross the road?

KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side. PLATO: For the greater good. ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads. KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability. TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take. SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it. RONALD REAGAN: I forget. CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before. HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas. LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken "crossed" the black man in order to trample him and keep him down. MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question. MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road". And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing. FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it? RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road. MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was. JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross the road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?" FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?" DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads. EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference. BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature. RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road. It transcended it. ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain. MICHAEL SCHUMACHER: It was an instinctive maneuver, the chicken obviously didn't see the road until he had already started to cross. COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one? BILL CLINTON: I did not have an improper relationship with that chicken.

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