True Telephone conversations recorded from various Help Desks around the U.K

Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have? Customer: A white one... Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out. Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button? Customer: Yes, but it's really stuck. Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note ... Customer: No ... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry .... Helpdesk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of ! the screen. Customer: Your left or my left? Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you? Male customer: Hello... I can't print. Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and ... Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates damn it! Hi good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it... Customer: I have problems printing in red... Helpdesk: Do you have a color printer? Customer: No. Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am? Customer: A tedd! y bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket. Helpdesk: And now hit F8. Customer: It's not working. Helpdesk: What did you do, exactly? Customer: I hit the F-key 8-times as you told me, but nothing's happening... Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore. Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer? Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer. Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back. Customer: OK Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you? Customer: Yes Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard? Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work! Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in! Victor, the number 7. Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters? A customer couldn't get on the internet. Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password? Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it. Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was? Customer: Five stars. Helpdesk: What antivirus program do you use? Customer: Netscape. Helpdesk: That's not an antivirus program. Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer. Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screensaver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears! Helpdesk: Microsoft Tech. Support, may I help you? Customer: Good afternoon! I have waited over ! 4 hours for you. Can you please tell me how long it will take before you can help me? Helpdesk: Uhh..? Pardon, I don't understand your problem? Customer: I was working in Word and clicked the help button more than 4 hours ago. Can you tell me when you will finally be helping me? Helpdesk: How may I help you? Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail. Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem? Customer: Well, I have the letter a, but how do I get the circle around it?

A Real Friend Test

A simple friend has never seen you cry. A real friend has shoulders soggy from your tears & a dry cleaning bill to prove it. A simple friend doesn't know your parents' first names. A real friend has their phone numbers in his address book & a piture of then on their wall. A simple friend brings a bottle of wine to your party. A real friend comes early to help you knock down a couple shots, helps cook and stays late to help you clean out the liquor cabinet. A simple friend hates it when you call after he has gone to bed. A real friend asks you why you took so long, a booty call might have been in order. A simple friend seeks to talk with you about your problems. A real friend seeks to help you with your problems and then gossips about you behind your back. A simple friend wonders about your romantic history. A real friend could blackmail you with it, sell you on the internet, & make a considerable profit (Shhhh.....I plead the 5th...K.O.) A simple friend, when visiting, acts like a guest. A real friend opens your refrigerator and helps himself. A simple friend buys you a drink at the club. A real friend holds your hair for you while you're getting sick at the club. A simple friend or a simple sister thinks the friendship is over when you HAVE an argument. A real friend calls you after you had a fight 5 years later. A simple friend expects you to always be there for them. A real friend expects to always be there for you and charges by the hour!

Speaking ENglish Could Kill You !!!

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or the American. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or the Americans. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or the Americans. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. THE MEDICAL CONCLUSION IS; Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Why I Need a Quick Divorce!!

A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so and, although his English was far from perfect, they got on very well. Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him-"very quick". The lawyer said that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and asked him the following questions: LAWYER: Have you any grounds ? POLE: JA, JA, an acre and half and a nice little home with 3 bedrooms. LAWYER "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?" Pole: "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," he responded. LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?" POLE: "No," he replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one." LAWYER "I mean, What are your relations like?" POLE: "All my relations are in Poland." LAWYER: "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" POLE: "Yes, we have hi fidelity stereo set & DVD player with 6.1 sound. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes." LAWYER: No, I mean Does your wife beat you up? POLE: NO, I'm always up before her. LAWYER: Is your wife a nagger? POLE: NO, she white. LAWYER: WHY do you want this divorce? POLE: SHE going to kill me. LAWYER: What makes you think that? POLE: I got proof. LAWYER: What kind of proof? POLE: She going to poison me.She buy a bottle at the drug store and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read - it says, "Polish Remover".

Man Lives with Dead Brother for 18 Months

Man Lives with Dead Brother for 18 Months LONDON (Reuters) - A British retiree did not notice his brother had been dead for 18 months despite sharing a mobile home with him. When Herbert Silver, 72, finally called police and told them his brother George, 75, had died, they went to the bachelors' home expecting to find a body. Instead they found a skeleton, British newspapers reported Thursday. "I admit that I didn't go into his room for a few hours, a few days...well quite a while actually," Herbert Silver told the Daily Telegraph. Silver said he had thought it a "bit odd" when his brother failed to emerge from his bedroom in the tiny home they shared in Blissford, southern England, but told the Daily Mirror: "George liked to keep himself to himself, and to be honest so do I." A postmortem indicated George Silver had been dead for up to 18 months.

Its Good To Be A Man

Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky. Wrinkles add character. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?" One mood, ALL the time. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices. You can quietly watch a game with a buddy for hours without thinking "He must be mad at me." The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. Your belly usually hides your big hips. You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.

Why ... From comedian Steven Wright

Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker? Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person drives a race car not called a racist? Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites? Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one? Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks? What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks? Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail? Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack? When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny? Or do you get change? If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for? You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. No one ever says, "It's only a game," when their team is winning. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag? If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

Excerpts from Medica Records

The following quotes were taken from actual medical records as dictated by physicians. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. Discharge status: Alive but without permission. Healthy-appearing decrepit sixty-nine-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful. The patient refused an autopsy. The patient has no past history of suicides. The patient expired on the floor uneventfully. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital. The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant, with only a forty-pound weight gain in the past three days. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed. She is numb from her toes down. The skin was moist and dry. Patient was alert and unresponsive. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

Favourite chocolate chip cookies

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand, shakingly made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife. "Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."

Computers: Male or Female?

A high school language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. "House," in French, is feminine-"la maison." "Pencil," in French, is masculine-"le crayon." One puzzled student asked, "What gender is computer?" The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary. So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun. Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation. The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because: No one but their creator understands their internal logic The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it. The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer"), because: In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on; They have a lot of data but they are still clueless They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

Is It Better To Be a Jock or a Nerd?

Michael Jordan having "retired," with $40 million in endorsements, makes 178,100 a day, working or not. If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head. If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there. If he decides to have a 5-minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it. He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage. He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends. If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours. If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second. He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round. Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax deferred account (401k), his contributions will hit the federal cap of 9500 at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st. If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year. He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics, and about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon. While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600. This year, he'll make more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all of their terms combined. Amazing isn't it? However... If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 450 years, he'll still have less than Bill Gates has today. Game is over. Nerd wins.

Children and Proverbs

A first-grade teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. Their insight may surprise you. Better to be safe than . . . punch a 5th grader It's always darkest before . . . daylight savings You can lead a horse to water but . . . how? Don't bite the hand that . . . looks dirty If you lie down with dogs, you'll . . . stink in the morning Happy the bride who . . . gets all the presents Don't put off till tomorrow what . . . you put on to go to bed Children should be seen and not . . . spanked or grounded You get out of something what you . . . see pictured on the box Better late than . . . pregnant

Accident Reports

The following are copies of ACTUAL written statements submitted to the police on report forms. (Or at least they claim to be ACTUAL statements. You be the judge.) The drivers were instructed to give a brief statement on the particulars of the accident in their own words. Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't know. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my Mother-in-law and headed over the embankment. The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in the bush with just his rear end showing. In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole. I had been driving my car for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him. I saw the slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car. The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the roadway when I struck him. My girlfriend kissed me. I lost control and woke up in the hospital. When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car. As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way. I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had fractured my skull. I thought I could squeeze between two trucks when my car became squashed.

One Liners

He who laughs last, thinks slowest. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. A day without sunshine is like, well, night. On the other hand, you have different fingers. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. Honk if you love peace and quiet. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular? Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool. It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them. You can't have everything, where would you put it? Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens. I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

$ubliminal College Letter

Dear Dad, $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$, and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need. $o you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love,Your $on Dear Son, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task. You can never study eNOugh. Love, Dad ---

In the beginning GOD created the Bit and the Byte

In the beginning GOD created the Bit and the Byte. And from those he created the Word. And there were two Bytes in the Word; and nothing else existed. And God separated the One from the Zero; and he saw it was good. And God said - Let the Data be; And so it happened. And God said Let the Data go to their proper places. And he created floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks. And God said-Let the computers be, so there would be a place to put floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks. Thus God created computers and called them hardware. And there was no Software yet. But God created programs; small and big. And told them-Go and multiply yourselves and fill all the Memory. And God said-I will create the Programmer; And the Programmer will make new programs and govern over the computers and programs and Data. And God created the Programmer; and put him at Data Center And God showed the Programmer the Catalog Tree And said You can use all the volumes and sub-volumes-But DO NOT USE Windows. And God said-It is not Good for the programmer to be alone. He took a bone from the Programmer's body and created a creature that would look up at the Programmer; And admire the Programmer; And love the things the Programmer does; And God called the creature: the User. And the Programmer and the User were left under the naked DOS And it was Good. But Bill was smarter than all the other creatures of God. And Bill said to the User-Did God really tell you not to run any programs ? And the User answered-God told us that we can use every program And every piece of Data But told us not to run Windows or we will die. And Bill said to the User-How can you talk about something you did not even try. The moment you run Windows you will become equal to God. You will be able to create anything you like by a simple click of your mouse. And the User saw that the fruits of the Windows were nicer and easier to use. And the User saw that any knowledge was useless - since Windows could replace it. So the User installed the Windows on his computer-And said to the Programmers that it was good. And the Programmer immediately started to look for new drivers. And God asked him-What are you looking for? And the Programmer answered- I am looking for new drivers because I can not find them in the DOS. And God said-Who said you need drivers? Did you run Windows? And the Programmer said-It was Bill who told us to ! And God said to Bill-Because of what you did you will be hated by all the creatures. And the User will always be unhappy with you. And you will always sell Windows. And God said to the User - Because of what you did, The Windows will disappoint you and eat up all your Resources; And you will have to use lousy programs; And you will always rely on the Programmer's help. And God said to the Programmer-Because you listened to the User you will never be happy. All your programs will have errors. And you will have to fix them and fix them to the end of time. And God threw them out of the Data Center And locked the door And secured it with a password. GENERAL PROTECTION FAULT.

20 SIGNS THAT YOU HAD TOO MUCH OF THE 90's

You just tried to enter your password on the microwave. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He emails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?" Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea. You check your blow-dryer to see if it's Y2K compliant. Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail inbox asking you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home. Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom of the screen. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid. The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person. You're reading this. Even worse; you're going to forward it to someone else.

Beg, Beg.com, eBeg

Three beggars were begging in New York City. The first one wrote "beg" on his broken steel cup and he received ten dollars after one day. The second one wrote "beg.com" on his cup and after one day he received hundreds of thousand dollars. Someone even wanted to take him to NASDAQ. The third one wrote "ebeg" on his cup. Both IBM and HP sent vice-presidents to talk to him about a strategic alliance and offered him free hardware and professional consulting while Larry Ellison claimed on CNBC that ebeg uses 95% Oracle technology and i2 announced begTradeMatrix a b2b industry portal to offer supply chain integration in the beggar. Cisco just announced that virtually all ebeg traffic runs over their equipment.

Euro-English

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, and as per Germany's requests, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English". In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard 'c' will be dropped in favour of the 'k'. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome 'ph' will be replased with the 'f'. This will make words like 'fotograf' 20% shorter. In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double leters which have always been a deterent to akurate speling. Also al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent 'e' in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer peopl will be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v'. During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary 'o' vil be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to oza kombinations of letas. After ziz fifz yer ve vil have a rali sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu anderstand ech oza. Ze drem of an united urop vil finali kum tru!

Accordionist and Horseback Riding

An accordionist decides to try horseback riding even though he has had no lessons or prior experience. He mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the accordion player begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, he grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. He tries to throw his arms around the horse's neck, but he slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally giving up his frail grip, he leaps away from the horse to try and throw himself to safety. Unfortunately, his foot has become entangled in the stirrup; he is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as his head is struck against the ground over and over. As his head is battered against the ground, he is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to his great fortune the Wal-mart manager sees him and shuts the horse off.

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